BY TYLER DURDEN
WEDNESDAY, JUL 05, 2023 – 05:20 PM
Update (5:15pm): The puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, inside a bag of blows surrounding the "mystery" cocaine found in the White House is drawing in some of the world’s most cunning detectives and brilliant minds.
One day after leaked radio intercepts revealed that a "mystery" substance was found over the weekend inside the White House and – after leading to a brief evacuation over hazmat fears – was "cocaine like", the US Secret Service on Wednesday confirmed what everyone already knew – the powdery substance found inside the White House over the weekend is cocaine.
While little new was revealed, secret service spokesman Anthony Guglielmi said that the cocaine was discovered in an area of the West Wing lobby where individuals can store their phones. The lobby is “a heavily traveled area” regularly accessed by both visitors and staff, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said Wednesday.
The good news is that since every visitor to the White House is logged and every square inch of the premises is under constant video surveillance, the mystery won’t last long….. unless of course the White House webcam operator was previously in charge of the the Jeffrey Epstein suicide cams all of which "broke" just before the famous pedophile "killed himself."
And in totally separate news, Hunter Biden joined his father and other members of the Biden family at the White House Tuesday just hours after the cocaine was found, to take in the Fourth of July fireworks following a weekend getaway to Camp David.
President Biden and first lady Jill Biden were accompanied on the balcony of the South Portico by Hunter Biden, his son Beau Jr., first daughter Ashley Biden and other members of the first family.
The Biden family arrived back at the White House for Independence Day celebrations as the Secret Service continues to investigate the finding.
Secret Service spokesman Gulielmi said that President Joe Biden was not in the executive mansion when the substance was discovered.
"The DC fire department was called to evaluate and quickly determined the item to be non-hazardous. The item was sent for further evaluation and an investigation into the cause and manner of how it entered the White House is pending," he said, laughably hinting that there was some "confusion" as to how crack got inside the Blowden Biden family’s DC estate as it is in the process of being auctioned off to Beijing. Here’s a thought: since Hunter has a habit of recording his every close encounter with crack cocaine, just check his cell phone’s latest video recordings.
In its report, ABC notes that "Cocaine hydrochloride can be used as an anesthetic or to control bleeding, but it is also considered to have effects similar to crack cocaine, according to the study National Library of Medicine National Center for Biotechnology Information", which suggests that the type of cocaine found was of a particular variety especially near and dear to Hunter’s heart.
"The physiological and psychoactive effects of cocaine are similar regardless of whether it is in the form of cocaine hydrochloride or crack cocaine (cocaine base)," the study says. You do learn something new every day.
The "item" was sent to a Secret Service lab for further testing, the sources said.
The White House on Tuesday referred reporter questions about the matter to the Secret Service, because what else could they say: "to pay for Hunter’s crack addition, Joe had to sell even the Resolute Desk to Beijing." Of course, that’s a silly joke: after all, just imagine what America’s international allies – and enemies – would think if any of this Jerry Springer Special, live from the White House, turned out to be even remotely true…
The Biden’s cocaine antics take place just days after the younger Biden reached a plea deal with Justice Department prosecutors to avoid jail time after lying on a federal form to purchase a firearm. He checked a box claiming that he did not use and was not addicted to illegal substances – a fact that would disqualify him from buying the gun. The form contradicting the timelines and claims made in Hunter Biden’s own memoir.
Biden critics and conservative decried Hunter’s plea deal, claiming that anyone other than the president’s son would receive jail time for the same offense. The deal also saw Hunter plead guilty to two tax misdemeanors which would have been a felony – and meant prison time – for anyone else but the president’s crack and whore-addicted son.
Come to think of it, there were plenty of reasons for Hunter to be celebrating in the aptly named China White house.